I only kidnapped one of them. chill
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is Oprah even human
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
