You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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