haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
