The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
