you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
