I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
