she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
