I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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