If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize