Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
