did you get engaged???
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
