So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he wants to bone in the snuggie
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
