Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
