my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
