between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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