I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There are leaves in my underwear?
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