the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
