the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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