I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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