My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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