All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
