At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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