it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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