he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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