wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
