...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
