Four minutes until I can fart!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
