i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
