apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
