I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
areolas are like halos for boobs.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
