So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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