She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
