What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
