I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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