I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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