my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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