New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Come on in and take your pants off
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