A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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