Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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