Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
