she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize