Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
