I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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