You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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