I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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