i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
