You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
