She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
