I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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