Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My balls are so social today.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Text me some of your sweat
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