Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
