so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize