i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
