Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
