I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
