Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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