bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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