in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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