dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
