my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i love accidental penises.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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