you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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