I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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