If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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